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Dear Readers:

I have published the North Carolina writer Brian Greene‘s fiction several times over the years, including in June, 2010, when his story “The Notes” was chosen as the winner of the 18th  Jerry Jazz Musician  Short Fiction Contest. 

Last year, Brian wrote to inform me that 2024 had been an excellent year not only for his writing life, but his personal life as well.  His excitement was evident as he wrote about someone he’d met, and that they were making marriage plans.

A week ago Brian shared the devastating news that he lost his fiancé Sue to a sudden stroke, and that as he was processing the shock and grief, he felt the need to write something about her as a commemoration, as well as to express his emotions.  

His remembrance follows…

Joe Maita

Editor

 

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Saying a Sudden Goodbye to My Goddess

by Brian Greene

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…..My partner Sue died suddenly from a totally unforeseen stroke last month. She was only 56. I was with her when it happened. I watched in stunned horror as EMTs attempted to revive her for over an hour, to no avail. I’m still reeling from grief and shock and would like to share some thoughts about Sue and the relationship we had, to both commemorate her and process the emotions I’m experiencing.

…..Sue and I met via Hinge. We were both in our 50s. I had been separated from my ex-wife for a little over two years and she and I were in the process of finalizing our divorce. Sue had been married and divorced twice in the somewhat distant past and hadn’t been in a long-term relationship for some years.

…..I was a relative newbie to the dating app world and felt some hesitance about meeting women that way. But I was ready for something new in my love life and didn’t know how else to try and make that happen. Sue was more of a veteran of the dating app arena. When we first met, she told me she was thinking of writing a book about all the misadventures she’d had meeting guys through Hinge and Bumble and other such venues. Months later, she confided in me that she had become so exasperated by the frustrating dating experiences that I was going to be her last chance for a while, that if nothing substantial happened between us she was going to take an extended break from the apps and just live her life without that bother for a stretch.

…..Still waters run deep. Sue and I didn’t fall in love at first sight. We’d been on six dates before the romantic chemistry kicked in. But the fact that we kept wanting to see each other spoke volumes. I never went on more than two dates with anyone else I met on the apps. Sue had a quick trigger to cut things off immediately if her instincts told her a guy wasn’t right for her. And when the sparks finally did start flying between us, it was a powerful magnetism. After a weekend road trip we made together that was a blast, we agreed to delete our dating app profiles and go monogamous.

…..Let me tell you about Sue. She was a fierce woman who didn’t suffer fools gladly. She had strong political (lefty) and other kinds of convictions and preferred straight talk. If you couldn’t handle all of that, she didn’t need you in her life. But while her toughness was part of what drew me to her initially, that wasn’t enough on its own to make me fall for her. She also had a softness inside her. She’d been hurt in her life and had a deep longing to be understood and appreciated. She also had an infinite capacity for showering love and affection on the right person. She reached the soft place in me.

…..Sue worked as a psychotherapist. She helped clients who had a variety of challenging life issues. Her specialty was counseling women who were, or had been, the victims of abusive relationships. She was a dedicated advocate for her clients.

…..Outside of work, Sue’s biggest passion was her two children. She was a loving mother who beamed when she talked about her kids.

…..She was a music nut with a penchant for emotionally raw songs. Frank Turner, Susan Tedeschi, The Dropkick Murphys and Rage Against the Machine were some of her favorite acts. But she was also a Southern girl who loved The Allman Brothers and who would always smile and sing along when The Marshall Tucker Band’s “Heard it in a Love Song” played on the car radio, as well as a child of the ‘70s and ‘80s who would throw her head around in dancing motions when she heard something like P-Funk’s “Tear the Roof off the Sucker” or “Best of My Love” by The Emotions.

…..Sue was a lover of all animals and a doting caretaker to the many pets she had throughout her life. On our first date we met on the patio of a brewery. I got there first and had to wait an extra 10 minutes after Sue arrived, because she kept stopping to pet other customers’ dogs as she made her way to where I sat. In the evenings at home, when she scrolled through Facebook and Instagram as a means of winding down after work, she sought out cute/funny animal posts when she got tired of reading about political matters that angered her.

…..She was an art lover with a keen eye. She also had excellent taste in home décor. The house we lived in together over the last two-plus years of her life was filled with paintings by the likes of Georgia O’Keeffe, Frida Kahlo, Alphonse Mucha, etc. along with visually appealing rugs, lamps, vases, and such. She also liked homey, comfy art and furnishings, so that the ultimate effect of how she decorated our home was that it was both like an art gallery and a cozy den.

…..Sue also had fine aesthetic sensibilities when it came to her clothing and jewelry. Whether it was a Black Crowes T-Shirt, a beautiful knit sweater, or a funky dress with cow patterns, she chose her outfits carefully and they looked just right on her. Same with her earrings, rings, bracelets, and hair accessories. She wore nose rings and had ample, expressive body ink depicting images like wildflowers and striking-looking insects and, naturally, her children. With her pretty green eyes and flowing blond hair and all her nice clothes and rings and bracelets and her tattoos that burst with color and feeling, she emanated that she was a sensual woman. I called her my goddess.

…..One way that Sue and I understood and were sympathetic to each other was in our common histories of personal trauma. We both had experienced more than our fair share of scarring life incidents. We could relate. And our outlooks on how to view these matters were in perfect alignment. We believed that you shouldn’t get paralyzed by your past hurts, of course you continued to seek out happiness and fulfillment and laughs, but you didn’t attempt to repress or deny painful memories. Your suffering is a part of your life story and is intrinsic to your character and your worldview, the same way that all the positive personal experiences you’ve had make you who you are. Accept all of it. That’s how we both saw things and that shared perspective put us in sync with each other.

…..Over our three-plus years together as a couple, Sue and I visited art museums, frequented movie theaters, took in live music performances, went on a few beach trips and several other out-of-town excursions, and ate at countless restaurants here in the Triangle area of NC. But apart from all that activity outside of the house, one other way that we connected was that we were both content to be homebodies. We saw nothing wrong with spending whole weekends during which we never got out of our pjs. Through that period, I was at a point in my life where the personal trauma I referenced previously had caught up with me and I was like a wounded animal that just needed to rest and heal. Sue had her own reasons for being in a place where a lot of the time the best evening or weekend plan was no plan at all. We could just hang around our home that she decorated with such beauty and warmth and be in absolute contentment.

…..Having a psychotherapist as your partner can be complicated. Of course I was going to tell Sue all about the past and present ups and downs of my life and share my deepest personal feelings with her. But the last thing I wanted was for her to feel like I was a non-paying client she needed to counsel. It could be tricky at times because she couldn’t help but go into therapist mode when I poured my heart out to her. But we managed to find a balance there. And, while I’m not a mental health professional, my own life experiences made me sympathetic to Sue’s, as mentioned above, and I think I was a good listener to her when it was her turn to vent.

…..I fear that in all the above, I’ve glossed over some of the difficulties of our relationship. I know Sue would have scoffed at a sugar-coated account of our time together. Things weren’t perfect between us. We argued at times, bickered, and sometimes took each for granted. With movies and TV shows, my leanings veer toward left-of-center fare from various eras while Sue tended to be more interested in current, buzzworthy titles. Often, we just couldn’t agree on something to watch together, and we’d bail and entertain ourselves separately. I have a long history of writing about books, music, movies, and fine arts for a variety of publications. I can’t help myself but go into critic mode when taking in such media. Sue often complained that she didn’t need or want my detailed analyses of all these things. That frustrated me, because my thoughts about how I’m affected by various arts are such an essential part of who I am. I know that in some respects, I made her feel similarly stunted in being with me. I love a variety of Asian foods. That kind of cuisine is my go-to when it’s time to eat out. Sue was mostly drawn to hearty comfort foods, didn’t like any Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese or Indian dishes. Sometimes we bypassed eating out on the weekends simply because we couldn’t name a single restaurant that sounded good to both of us.

…..But despite those ways in which our time together could become a grind at moments, I know we both found just the right person to be with through those months and years. We were two wounded and jaded people who had seen it all. We understood and cared about each other, were physically attracted to each other, had great conversations, and were in lifestyle rhythms that meshed.

…..As tragic and shocking as her death was and still is, I’m grateful that I got to be with her in her last moments. I was holding Sue’s hand just before the fateful stroke took her away. She often told me she had a fear of having to spend the final years of her life alone. She didn’t have to.

…..I miss my goddess. I love you, Sue.

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Listen to Frank Turner perform his composition “There She Is”  [Frank Turner]

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Brian Greene writes short fiction and personal essays, as well as journalism pieces on books, music, film, and fine arts. His work has appeared in approximately 60 publications. Brian lives in Durham, North Carolina and he’s on Twitter/X @greenes_circles.

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Click here to read Brian Greene’s work published on  Jerry Jazz Musician

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Jerry Jazz Musician…human produced since 1999

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